Saturday, February 09, 2008

The Huffington Post Becomes Cosmo

Ugh. I knew there'd be plenty of fodder for this blog for the upcoming commercialized, forced, "romantic" Valentine's Day, but I didn't expect it to come from The Huffington Post.

Jodi Lipper and Cerina Vincent (it took two people to come up with this shit?) posted a cutesy, euphemism-filled column today titled: "How To Celebrate Valentine's Day Like A Hot Chick." Yeah, I know.

Yes, the title is a play on Jodi Lipper's book "How to Eat Like a Hot Chick" and it's ostensibly an empowering notion that we all have an "inner" hot chick, but that totally doesn't fly for me. What does it mean to have an inner hot chick? Is there a woman with great hair an a kickin' bod trapped inside my body? Is she the one that needs all that junk food? I think I need an exorcism.

Anyway, back to the article. I guess I should make clear that I am a V-day hater. I don't like to feel manipulated by the greeting card industry, and I don't like forced romanticism.

This article isn't about that, which, you know, is fine, if you're into expectations and obligation. Lipper and Vincent want to answer the question no one's asking: "Isn't it ironic that the same day that is supposed to inspire love, romance and bliss often ends up filled with arguments, disappointments and loneliness?" (No, it's not ironic it's exactly what the holiday is set up for.)

The article has two sections, one for couples, one for singles. Each has three different options for the supposedly big day. Each one assumes women expect to be pampered, surprised, adored...sorry, I have to throw up.

There are condescending suggestions:

If you have a Valentine and want all the frills..., then we know a way for you to get exactly what your little heart desires. Ready? Plan it yourself! Many women have super high expectations about what they want on V-day, but they don't communicate these wishes to their man and get all pissy when they don't get what they want. Well, here's the scoop, Hot Chicks - he can't read your mind. Sometimes we have to take the lead when we want something done the way we want it.

Suggestions of bribery:
...Steak and a BJ Day. This is a holiday on any day of the year when you take your man out for a giant steak, buy him beers and/or whiskey, and then... well... you get it. Not only is this a great way to make your man feel loved and give him a special treat that he deserves, but it's also a genius way to ensure that your Valentine's Day is a good one. Trust us, if he knows this holiday is coming, he will use all of his resources to make sure that your holiday is just as enjoyable as his is going to be.

Impulse purchases:
Buy yourself those earrings you've been eyeing online or get in your car and drive to a nearby city and spend the day exploring. Go for it - spoil yourself the way you deserve to be spoiled and you won't feel lonely at all.

Nowhere in the article is it mentioned that, if you happen to place a lot of importance on a made up day, maybe you should stop. Maybe you should take a cue from history. Valentines were martyrs. Don't let yourself be one.

To be fair, the article's last suggestion:
Valentine's Day is about passion, so take this opportunity to indulge in the things you are passionate about, whatever they may be. You don't need a guy to feel like the fabulous, sexy creature that you are - you just need the things that you love.

This would be great, if the rest of the article didn't contradict it. Huffington Post, I'm disappointed.

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